TEARS THAT HEAL

How often have I heard as a boy growing up, “boy shut up men don’t cry.”  Words that seem to plague most of our men and boys in this country when it comes to understanding how to express our emotions and pain with out having our manhood called into question. Today was a day I did not care who saw me crying or not. The pain in my heart and chest felt as if a black hole in space had pulled all of my emotions out of me except for grief. A grief that consumed me so completely, that I was completely unaware of the fact that I was crying and who was around me.

I stared as if in some bad dream at the form I knew often. The smile that often gave me encouragement and the hands that tickled me as a little boy and made me laugh even when I did not feel like laughing now lay listless and lifeless. Disbelief and sorrow were my only companions at this moment. I had watched for a number of years as sickness had made the man I knew seem frailer and frailer in his body. However regardless of what struggles he faced, his spirit still remained strong and he was undaunted by circumstances that would have made most persons give up completely on life.

I was unaware of the stream of tears as they poured as a river out of my eyes. I heard the cries and saw the same pain reflected in the faces of my surrounding family members. Here lay, a man I respected, that helped to raise me, and named me, giving me both a purpose and a calling even through the name I was gifted with.  I loved my uncle dearly and the pain at seeing him suffer as his body deteriorated due to sickness broke my heart. Knowing there was nothing I could do for him, made the pain even more unbearable.  Yet daily except when the pain must have been to its most excruciating points I never once remember hearing him complain.

For the first time in my life, I saw something I never thought I would.  My grandfather was silently crying to himself.  This was a man I had seen remove an entire engine out by himself and was a man’s man in every way. Yet this day, upon his son’s burial his tears flowed freely as the very air we breathe.  There was no shame in his eyes, only pain and unbearable sadness. It was not encouragement for me to cry further but a revelation and understanding of how natural God had made our tears to be regardless of our gender.

I was anxious for the ceremony to be over. I could not tell you at what point the final words were spoken at the gravesite. All I knew were a lot of my memories felt as if they were being buried in that grave with each new shovel of earth heaved upon the glistening casket. Even now when I think back at that day the experience still brings a tear of sadness at my loss of such a good friend, role model and family member. Yet I am still grateful his suffering has ended.

A Moment of Clarity

We all have experienced in life some type of traumatic experience. Life can be very dismal at times and blissful at others.  Regardless of our gender, nationality or racial differences, our society teaches us sometimes to ignore the very gift God has given us in our tears.  We tell men and sometimes even women that our tears are a sign of weakness without fully understanding the mechanisms behind its purpose.  If our very tears were not meant for a purpose beyond just expressing our sorrow God would not have gifted them to us.

Physically our tears are meant to assist in keeping our eyes protected, moistened and to help remove any foreign particles from our eyes. Enabling us to continue seeing this beautiful world we are gifted with and enjoy the sight of a lovely sunrise amongst other visions of beauty.

In the same manner our tears are also a sign of release and healing from both emotional and spiritual pressures and toxins that can build up in our minds, bodies and soul just from day to day interactions. A great general in the American Army is quoted as saying ‘I am more afraid of a man and untrusting of one that does not know how to shed tears and believes that is strength, than someone who can be moved to tears in compassion.’

Our nation is in a state of trauma and pain where a lot of us are holding in sorrow, grief and despair from our daily lives. God admonished us to go into our closet to pray but also to place our woes in His hands. If that means you have to shed some tears to allow Him to empty you, heal you and then place you back on track I encourage you to do so. If God did not mean for our tears to help He would not have given them. Remember a good cry can clear both the eyes and sometimes the soul and each day strive to be a Beacon of Light.

 Beam of Light for the Week 

Our hearts are like gardens. What we sow in them is what we will reap. So remember to sow seeds of love, peace and joy so that we can reap and share the same.

Dark Clouds

It was a regular dark night and I was working a part-time job as a Dominoes delivery driver.  Being ambitious I pursued trying to secure a more stable financial position for myself and my future.  The future like many of the great mysteries of life is veiled in uncertainty and no factual reassurances except those we base upon a foundation of faith.  For in wisdom, one will plan his future, set his goals and pursue them with a feverish passion to see those future endeavors become a reality.  Tonight was one such night for me.  I had dreamed of being able to save sufficient funds to procure myself a new personal computer.  In regards of over-all goal setting this might seem like a small matter but the lesson for me was not in what my goal’s pursuit was but the simple reality that we do not control every instance of our lives. 

I was on my last delivery for the night and it had been both an enjoyable and profitable night for me.  Little did I know my high spirits would soon be changed to one of a drearier and wretched state because of unforeseen circumstances?  I counted myself lucky to be on my last delivery then my first instance of misfortune occurred. I blew out a tire turning into Cottonwood corner in Pinewood Gardens.  It had been raining previously that day and I had not seen the sink-hole in the road.  I got out of my car to get my spare tire and jack only to discover misfortune number two.  I had lent out my jack to my cousin and he neither returned it nor did I remember that I had given it to him before now.  I could have kicked myself for being so forgetful and irresponsible for something so essential.

Luckily for me I was not too far away from a friend’s house but here was my next dilemma.   I was already forty minutes late with delivering my order from the time I spoke with my customer and my order was twenty minutes late leaving the store being an hour late in total.  My customer was located on the main Bamboo Boulevard and I decided to just walk and deliver his order before it got any later.

I was no more than fifteen feet from my customer’s house when it started to rain.  I ran so that his order would not have gotten wet since the bag offered it some protection.  I apologized for my tardiness and trudged back to my car cursing the rain on my way.  I was now drenched and it was dark and hard to see to change a tire.  Graciously my friend was home and lent me her tire jack.  Eventually I was able to get the tire changed and started my journey back to the store.

I was so exhausted from my day’s activities and disheartened by all of the miss-happenings I fell asleep in my car in the parking lot to the store.  I do not recall how long I was asleep but when I awoke I was still upset about what had happened that evening.  When I entered the store I saw by the expression on some of my co-workers faces that they were in shock and others were crying. To my disbelief, during the time I had taken a nap the store had been robbed at gun-point.  If I had entered the store at the approximate time I would have walked right into the robbery and possibly gotten hurt or caused someone else to have gotten hurt by startling the robber. As difficult as my evening was and although it appeared there was nothing but dark clouds blocking my view, those very dark clouds protected me and gave me a new perspective on how difficulties are not always meant to harm or discourage us as we journey in this life. 

 A Moment of Clarity

There will always be circumstances that cause dark clouds in your life where everything appears bleak and as if the very universe has turned against you.  Moments would make you want to despair, get angry and curse everything. It is hard to see a silver lining when all around appears to be bleak and not going your way.  Remember always that as difficult as it is to deal with painful and sometimes unexpected circumstances that those very circumstances can offer us the best opportunities to grow as individuals and even bring protection from even more dire situations.  Be grateful for each moment of life you are given and learn to be everyday a Beacon of Light.

 Beam of Light for the Week 

The words thank you takes less than a second to say in most languages but a moment of gratitude is all it takes to impact a heart permanently.

It’s A Family Affair

“Boss you can’t give me a dolla aye or some change please. I just wah get me sumpthin to eat or drink.” Yeah right, I was thinking. “Are you sure you’re going to get something to eat?” I asked hesitantly. I hoped he would get food. “Yea, yea.  Tanks.” I drove off thinking why he doesn’t get a job, and why is he on the street. Doesn’t he have family that can help him?

It seemed as if every corner I passed I saw someone begging, either sitting in a wheelchair, standing on a corner on a crutch or just plain looking dirty in need of a hand-out. Hey I give the people who in a wheelchair or even a crutch a little excuse but the rest of them just plain lazy and need to find something to do.  Even if it is just washing cars or selling peanuts, at least it will be honest and better than begging.

I kept driving that day still thinking over again and again, I don’t know what wrong with my country.  As I passed one of the National Insurance buildings I saw a long line of people and for a brief moment I swore I saw the same beggar from earlier on that line just wearing better clothing. Instead of his dirty rags, he had on some nice white and red Nike Tennis, with a black and red striped Ralph Lauren shirt that matched the tennis and black jeans.  The thing I noticed the most was the silver chain on his neck and matching hand bangle.  Yet with his nice attire he was still on the social services line looking for his monthly food coupon, because this was the day food coupons was given out. Now whether I was just hallucinating from the summer heat or it was really him, I just don’t know at this point.

As I drove past I felt a pang of guilty conscience in judging the persons on the street earlier. It is so funny how easy it is to forget when things in our lives get better than they were, where we came from.  It was not the fact that the persons on social services were asking for a hand-out same as the beggar on the street that hit me because they were in need.  It was the fact that not too long ago it was me nicely dressed up and on social services line in need of help. I wasn’t begging or not trying to get work.  I was not even unemployed a long time or uneducated. Actually I had two degrees but still could not find work at the time.

Yes we were constantly being told the economy is in a recession, yet it seemed as if everything was still going up price wise and a lot of businesses were prospering even though many were still closing down. Yet here I was an educated, and well-spoken young man, no bum on the street, at least I thought to myself, on the National Insurance line asking the lady at the counter, “ Hey miss my check aint ready aye, I just wan get something to eat or drink ya see.”

A Moment of Clarity

It is very easy during this season of sharing and love to forget those that do not fall within our category of immediate family or friends.  Yet even if we are not directly related we are all family in this nation and connected. What affects even the smallest member of our society affects us all.  The bum on the street could be one of our aunts or uncles, or even ourselves if we had taken one step wrongly to the left or right in life. Even more so if it was not for God’s Grace simply keeping us in our day to day lives. As we share this season please let’s take time to remember those who may not have the same benefits as we do or even the ability to enjoy the same due to circumstances.  Let’s also not judge so harshly and forget just like those in need who do not allow their pride to keep them from asking for help so were we spiritual bums in our lives.

John 3:16 says for God so loved the world HE gave to us His only beloved son, which is the reason we celebrate these festivities during this time and season.  For God saw the need in our lives for spiritual provisions, He opened the spiritual Social Services door so that all who are heavy burdened can come unto Him and receive rest and have their needs met.

If not by direct donations of food, time to shelters or any place else that gives to those in need, let’s remember to pray for one another this season not knowing truly sometimes what our neighbour is going through and to be our brother and sisters keeper.

We are all family, so I pray we remember to show love to one another even as we celebrate with our own individual families and remember each day to be a Beacon of Light.

Beam of Light for the Week

Love is all. From atoms that make up physical matter to the powers and principalities that govern the seen and unseen, all were made with love. So give love each day.

The Bondage of Self Pity

The Nassau Guardian’s

 Beacon of Light

 The Bondage of Self Pity

Why me Lord?  The only words I could think of to say as I trudged along Wulff Road headed to Mackey Street to begin my arduous journey to Paradise Island so I could get to work on time.  I worked as a night auditor and manager at our illustrious Ocean Club at the time.  A job I loved but still found to be repetitive and mundane at times.  I hung my coat over my arm and began walking as I watched the tail lights of the Union Bus wink at me as the bus danced along Wulff Road almost mockingly as it continued its journey to pick up other lucky patrons who happened to arrive to the bus stop on time.  The bus couldn’t wait for one minute I kept saying over and over to myself.  I was angry and distraught my entire walk.  I kept muttering and cursing under my breath about how God could have done this to me.  I wasn’t a bad person I thought.  Upon my arrival to work I was drenched in sweat and my clothes were basically sticking to me.

The entirety of my night seemed to be one continuation of unfortunate events one after the other. At three o’clock in the morning when I should have been running my report the computer system had shut down for maintenance. I screamed so loudly I swore Mr. Kerzner heard me, where he was in Dubai at the time.  I looked at the phone awaiting a call to find out what that noise was at any moment.  After waiting an hour and a half I was finally able to run my report which had the incorrect date since I ran it after the maintenance and the IT department had already changed over for the new day.  It was going to be a task explaining to my supervisor why the figures for the following day were so inflated since I already knew it was because I ran the report late.

 I was exhausted from my walk and frustrating night. I don’t know when I fell asleep.  I was awoken by the gentle touch of the General Manager at 6 am which literally made my heart stop.  I knew that this morning was not going to end well.  Luckily I only received a written warning for both the report and my untimely nap.  However for me I felt like a victim of everything that had happened to me.  I was angry at my bosses for not being more understanding.  I was upset at the bus driver for being so impatient and leaving me when I was almost to the bus stop after the time I should have arrived.  I could not understand how the IT personnel could have made me mess up my report so badly.  Everything and everyone was to blame except for me. 

 A Moment of Clarity

Years after that night and many other days like it I sat down to analyze what had actually happened.  If I had made simple adjustments to my day and better preparation my night would have been differently. I went to bed two hours before I had to get up to get to the bus. I overslept and left ten minutes after the time I knew I would have possibly made it to the bus stop on time.  When I arrived to work I did not check my email as I know I should nightly. If I had I would have seen the email from the IT department instructing about closing off early due to the maintenance, I would have not missed running my report at the correct time.  If I had gotten sufficient sleep I would have been better rested, able to make it to the bus stop on time, had sufficient time to check my emails and possibly not fallen asleep and found by the general manager.  However none of this I could see was my fault because I was the victim of my circumstances and bad luck. I could not see beyond my own self-pity that the author of my own disastrous night was myself and ill prepared actions.

Self-pity takes both the responsibility and the resultant consequences for our decisions away from us and shifts it to anyone and thing besides ourselves whom we feel we can blame. We are blinded by our own self-pity to both the responsibility we have in the decisions we make and the power we have over our own choices and the ability to grow from our own failures or successes.   As long as we live in a spirit of self-pity we are victims to our environment, others and even our own behaviors because we are in bondage of our own imaginations and refusal to be responsible individuals.  God has given each of us free will so that we can learn to be both responsible in our choices and actions and even our devotion to the Creator in turn. Do not allow yourself to be in bondage of your own self-pity but take the responsibility for each of your choices each and know you are empowered to grow.

Be grateful for each moment of life you are given and learn to be everyday a Beacon of Light.

 Beam of Light for the Week 

Know you are powerful beings made in love and light and can impact the lives of others in both positive and negatives. Just as a faucet is filled as it allows water to flow allow love to flow through you and your life into that of others and you will also be filled with that same love

I Quit

I quit!  The words echoed in my head, but thankfully not my heart.  I looked at the sixty six steps and thought about how much I hated my trainer right now.  This was only my fourth time going up and my legs felt like lead.  I had six more sets of up and down the stairs to go.  At this point I was wondering if I would either pass out from exhaustion or just plain give up.  Come on you can do it.  For a moment, I thought I heard the still soft voice of God whispering in my heart to continue on.  I looked back to see it was only my partner looking just as winded as I was.  Yet the little motivation I was given spurred me on to try for another and another until my set of ten was done. 

I swore I wasn’t coming back.  At least that was what I said in my head.  Three weeks later I’m still here and stair seven is the one that is trying me.  I went from wanting to give up on four to seven.  It was a little accomplishment but one nonetheless.  If the exercise wasn’t bad enough my diet was even more trying.  I fought the good fight with Rihanna’s song “cake” playing in my head. Chips and cookies were now my mortal enemies.  However, little by little I was able to get more and more into eating healthier and putting behind me  the foods that haunted me in my sleep but would have given me a permanent sleep if did not let them go.

I hoped after all this exercising and eating healthier my daily routine would be easier.  The fountain of energy I needed so badly did not seem to flow the way I had hoped it would.  I had slipped up with my diet but I kept at it.  There were days I wanted to just crash on my desk and sleep all day. What was the point of all this, I thought.  It seemed my mountain of papers would not subside and I felt more and more tired with exercising and the late nights with my newborn when he could not sleep.

My partner did not have it any easier than I did. After every work out, pain would be her counselor for the next two days until our next session.  Yet she continued on. I was inspired and did not listen to my head, but my heart which told me it was worthwhile continuing.

The pounds did not magically drop off.  I lost some weight but found myself eventually with a whole lot more energy. I could run a little further than I could before and push myself harder.  The diet is an off again on again battle, but I am determined to win.  If I had given up like I wanted, although I am not to the end of my journey, I wonder if I would have made it this far.  The exercise is still trying and the diet a challenge but I see the progress I have made. I am glad I made an effort to begin my journey.

A Moment of Clarity

A quote from Chinese philosopher Laozi states “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” A famous bible quote states the race is not for the swift but he who endures to the end. These words seem so easy to say until we are in the process of attaining our own personal goals. Yet their message still applies.

If a goal we set were easily attainable it would not be an ambition. The things we desire most in our hearts are the things that will both test us and take the most out of us to accomplish. God does not allow us to go through trying times just to hurt us but to also reveal to us our weaknesses and give us an opportunity to make them strengths.  However a lot of times we have the sixty six steps syndrome.  We see our goals coming to an end. We are on step sixty and because we are fatigued, or because of the pain we feel at being out of our comfort zones, we give up and never completely get to our desired result.  Yet if we would only persevere for those six extra steps we would reap the benefits of completing our desired goal.

Each time we complete a goal it gives us encouragement to try again or do something new. It shows us that even the things we thought were obstacles can become opportunities.  It also gives us the tools we can pass onto someone else in achieving their own goals if only by a word of reassurance.  It also helps us to gauge ourselves so we can set realistic goals we can accomplish as we push forward.  I encourage you today to add to the phrase “I quit”, the words will not.  Learn to say to yourself and others I will not quit and be grateful for each moment of life you are given and learn to be everyday a Beacon of Light.

Beam of Light for the Week 

A word of exhortation can be a drop of water in an arid desert.  Share a word of encouragement today for you never know how dry some of our souls are just for a little encouragement to go on.