The Bondage of Self Pity

The Nassau Guardian’s

 Beacon of Light

 The Bondage of Self Pity

Why me Lord?  The only words I could think of to say as I trudged along Wulff Road headed to Mackey Street to begin my arduous journey to Paradise Island so I could get to work on time.  I worked as a night auditor and manager at our illustrious Ocean Club at the time.  A job I loved but still found to be repetitive and mundane at times.  I hung my coat over my arm and began walking as I watched the tail lights of the Union Bus wink at me as the bus danced along Wulff Road almost mockingly as it continued its journey to pick up other lucky patrons who happened to arrive to the bus stop on time.  The bus couldn’t wait for one minute I kept saying over and over to myself.  I was angry and distraught my entire walk.  I kept muttering and cursing under my breath about how God could have done this to me.  I wasn’t a bad person I thought.  Upon my arrival to work I was drenched in sweat and my clothes were basically sticking to me.

The entirety of my night seemed to be one continuation of unfortunate events one after the other. At three o’clock in the morning when I should have been running my report the computer system had shut down for maintenance. I screamed so loudly I swore Mr. Kerzner heard me, where he was in Dubai at the time.  I looked at the phone awaiting a call to find out what that noise was at any moment.  After waiting an hour and a half I was finally able to run my report which had the incorrect date since I ran it after the maintenance and the IT department had already changed over for the new day.  It was going to be a task explaining to my supervisor why the figures for the following day were so inflated since I already knew it was because I ran the report late.

 I was exhausted from my walk and frustrating night. I don’t know when I fell asleep.  I was awoken by the gentle touch of the General Manager at 6 am which literally made my heart stop.  I knew that this morning was not going to end well.  Luckily I only received a written warning for both the report and my untimely nap.  However for me I felt like a victim of everything that had happened to me.  I was angry at my bosses for not being more understanding.  I was upset at the bus driver for being so impatient and leaving me when I was almost to the bus stop after the time I should have arrived.  I could not understand how the IT personnel could have made me mess up my report so badly.  Everything and everyone was to blame except for me. 

 A Moment of Clarity

Years after that night and many other days like it I sat down to analyze what had actually happened.  If I had made simple adjustments to my day and better preparation my night would have been differently. I went to bed two hours before I had to get up to get to the bus. I overslept and left ten minutes after the time I knew I would have possibly made it to the bus stop on time.  When I arrived to work I did not check my email as I know I should nightly. If I had I would have seen the email from the IT department instructing about closing off early due to the maintenance, I would have not missed running my report at the correct time.  If I had gotten sufficient sleep I would have been better rested, able to make it to the bus stop on time, had sufficient time to check my emails and possibly not fallen asleep and found by the general manager.  However none of this I could see was my fault because I was the victim of my circumstances and bad luck. I could not see beyond my own self-pity that the author of my own disastrous night was myself and ill prepared actions.

Self-pity takes both the responsibility and the resultant consequences for our decisions away from us and shifts it to anyone and thing besides ourselves whom we feel we can blame. We are blinded by our own self-pity to both the responsibility we have in the decisions we make and the power we have over our own choices and the ability to grow from our own failures or successes.   As long as we live in a spirit of self-pity we are victims to our environment, others and even our own behaviors because we are in bondage of our own imaginations and refusal to be responsible individuals.  God has given each of us free will so that we can learn to be both responsible in our choices and actions and even our devotion to the Creator in turn. Do not allow yourself to be in bondage of your own self-pity but take the responsibility for each of your choices each and know you are empowered to grow.

Be grateful for each moment of life you are given and learn to be everyday a Beacon of Light.

 Beam of Light for the Week 

Know you are powerful beings made in love and light and can impact the lives of others in both positive and negatives. Just as a faucet is filled as it allows water to flow allow love to flow through you and your life into that of others and you will also be filled with that same love

I Quit

I quit!  The words echoed in my head, but thankfully not my heart.  I looked at the sixty six steps and thought about how much I hated my trainer right now.  This was only my fourth time going up and my legs felt like lead.  I had six more sets of up and down the stairs to go.  At this point I was wondering if I would either pass out from exhaustion or just plain give up.  Come on you can do it.  For a moment, I thought I heard the still soft voice of God whispering in my heart to continue on.  I looked back to see it was only my partner looking just as winded as I was.  Yet the little motivation I was given spurred me on to try for another and another until my set of ten was done. 

I swore I wasn’t coming back.  At least that was what I said in my head.  Three weeks later I’m still here and stair seven is the one that is trying me.  I went from wanting to give up on four to seven.  It was a little accomplishment but one nonetheless.  If the exercise wasn’t bad enough my diet was even more trying.  I fought the good fight with Rihanna’s song “cake” playing in my head. Chips and cookies were now my mortal enemies.  However, little by little I was able to get more and more into eating healthier and putting behind me  the foods that haunted me in my sleep but would have given me a permanent sleep if did not let them go.

I hoped after all this exercising and eating healthier my daily routine would be easier.  The fountain of energy I needed so badly did not seem to flow the way I had hoped it would.  I had slipped up with my diet but I kept at it.  There were days I wanted to just crash on my desk and sleep all day. What was the point of all this, I thought.  It seemed my mountain of papers would not subside and I felt more and more tired with exercising and the late nights with my newborn when he could not sleep.

My partner did not have it any easier than I did. After every work out, pain would be her counselor for the next two days until our next session.  Yet she continued on. I was inspired and did not listen to my head, but my heart which told me it was worthwhile continuing.

The pounds did not magically drop off.  I lost some weight but found myself eventually with a whole lot more energy. I could run a little further than I could before and push myself harder.  The diet is an off again on again battle, but I am determined to win.  If I had given up like I wanted, although I am not to the end of my journey, I wonder if I would have made it this far.  The exercise is still trying and the diet a challenge but I see the progress I have made. I am glad I made an effort to begin my journey.

A Moment of Clarity

A quote from Chinese philosopher Laozi states “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” A famous bible quote states the race is not for the swift but he who endures to the end. These words seem so easy to say until we are in the process of attaining our own personal goals. Yet their message still applies.

If a goal we set were easily attainable it would not be an ambition. The things we desire most in our hearts are the things that will both test us and take the most out of us to accomplish. God does not allow us to go through trying times just to hurt us but to also reveal to us our weaknesses and give us an opportunity to make them strengths.  However a lot of times we have the sixty six steps syndrome.  We see our goals coming to an end. We are on step sixty and because we are fatigued, or because of the pain we feel at being out of our comfort zones, we give up and never completely get to our desired result.  Yet if we would only persevere for those six extra steps we would reap the benefits of completing our desired goal.

Each time we complete a goal it gives us encouragement to try again or do something new. It shows us that even the things we thought were obstacles can become opportunities.  It also gives us the tools we can pass onto someone else in achieving their own goals if only by a word of reassurance.  It also helps us to gauge ourselves so we can set realistic goals we can accomplish as we push forward.  I encourage you today to add to the phrase “I quit”, the words will not.  Learn to say to yourself and others I will not quit and be grateful for each moment of life you are given and learn to be everyday a Beacon of Light.

Beam of Light for the Week 

A word of exhortation can be a drop of water in an arid desert.  Share a word of encouragement today for you never know how dry some of our souls are just for a little encouragement to go on.